/EXISTENCE
It's a beautiful Saturday morning here in Southern California and my alarm wakes me from a strange dream about camping. This dream subject may come as a surprise to some, but it really doesn't surprise me at all. I've been thinking about getting away from the craziness of my job for weeks... no, months. So why don't I? Let me explain.
For those of you who are thinking, "there's too much, please sum up", here's that version:
Work is crazy busy. Several clients drive me more insane than I already am. I feel like I have an overly developed sense of loyalty and haven't made vacation plans because of it. Recent events outside of work have made me reconsider what I want to do with my life. And I want all 4 seasons again. I want something different. But don't get me wrong, I regret nothing and I've learned a ton about computer networking, management, and security.
Now I'll explain.
As I'm sure you read the above summary, you're probably wondering, "What the hell happened?!" My problem isn't completely the fault of my work, but I do put some of the blame there. It's mostly on me for not realizing the impact of a statement I was given when I was considering this job: "There will be opportunity for overtime." At first I thought, "Oooo... overtime would be nice. That means more money!" And I was partly right. I've come to discover that I actually really hate overtime. Overtime at work means less time for me and less me time means I start getting frustrated. So I've really made an effort to keep my schedule at 40 hours a week. I even turned down an even greater pay increase as it would have meant that I would be on constant call outside of normal work hours.
Then there's the clients. I'm sorry, I started that wrong. Most of our clients are actually pretty cool. One client in particular keeps me fairly busy while not being so demanding I have to request time to work on the weekend for them. But there are a couple clients that make me just want to scream. They actually make our whole team groan and question what we've gotten into. One particular client causes us red foreheads and endless wonder.
"Then take a break, Peter. Go on vacation." You're right, I should take a vacation. But I seem to have this overly developed sense of loyalty to the people I work for and with and for some reason, going on vacation is registering as abandoning them. I desperately need to get over this. I actually need a vacation. My sanity levels have reached such a point that I think they're affecting my physical health. It doesn't help that my supervisor is one of my best friends and my roommate either. I know he'd understand, but I also know his reaction to every time I've talked about taking a Monday off here and there. Worst of all, I think our situation has started putting a bad pressure on our relationship. I find myself avoiding him outside of work more often than I care to admit. When I first got here, things seemed like they were going to work out really well, but the honeymoon period is over and our core personalities are finally starting to grate on each other. ::sigh::
During a recent phone call with my mom, I vented several of these frustrations and I mentioned wanting to move back up to Spokane or in that area. Heck, I even thought about finding a place in Oregon when I was driving through during my move to So. Cal. To the surprise of many but not all, I actually miss having four distinct seasons. Here, there's like two seasons: summer and spring. Mom said, "You should start looking for new employment now even if it isn't until next spring that you'll start." And she's right. Part of my problem is that I really don't know what I want to do. I can't even figure out what I want to try next. Then after a test message from a friend stating I needed to check Facebook, I found an interesting quiz that another friend had posted their result of. The quiz was, "What career were you meant for?" She got engineer, which she seemed surprised about. So I decided to have a go at it. I was surprised (and not) that I got writer. In some ways, I could sense what was coming as I answered questions, but seeing the result still hit me harder than I anticipated. I immediately thought, "Then what the hell am I doing?! Why am I doing IT support?!" It inspired me to the point that later that night I couldn't sleep as I started thinking about the story I started 9 years ago. I had some ideas and I got up to write them down. I finally went to bed at 4:00 am.
I was inspired for that weekend and when work came around again on Monday and things got busy again, I lost my drive and went straight back to playing video games in the evenings. But the result of that quiz has stuck in my head and I'm constantly wondering if what I should be doing is writing. Perhaps not strictly science fiction or fantasy, but even tech things. I mean, look at all the writing I did here regarding SharePoint stuff! I know I'm a good tech guy! I know that computers and video games will always be part of my life! So why the Hell do I feel like technology is ruining my life after every long day at work?! Because when we go to a client after hours to perform a couple of simple upgrades that turns into 6 freaking hours of work and we don't get home until 4:30 am after just getting it to mostly work, it is ruining my life. I want to stay up until 4am because I was doing something I love, not something that drives me crazy.
At this point, all I know is I want something different. I miss the people and the environment in Spokane. Sure it sucks dealing with driving in snow and the like, but I actually miss the joys of finding my way to a warm spot where I can finally enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and listen to some music. Or snuggling into bed under a heavy blanket after a day of gratifying work. Or finding the energy to sit down and do something truly creative like write on my story that I really need to finish.
Thanks for reading my complaints. It isn't healthy to dwell on my negativity and so I also want you to know I don't regret taking this job one bit. I can't tell you how much I've learned about computer networking, management, and security in the year and half I've been here. The people I've met because I took this job are awesome, my boss and his family included. There are days, even weeks, where I've felt very productive and that I've made a difference and it's incredibly rewarding. It's an incredible feeling when a user says, "Thanks, you've made my day."
Writing this blog entry this morning has been really good for me. It's served partly to help me relieve and assess the stress I've been dealing with. The other part is that it has inspired a writing schedule. I will try to post more often and Saturday mornings seems to be the best moment. I guess I'll just have to make sure I don't stay up all night on Fridays...
Until next time:
Work smart. Play hard. Sleep well.
It's a beautiful Saturday morning here in Southern California and my alarm wakes me from a strange dream about camping. This dream subject may come as a surprise to some, but it really doesn't surprise me at all. I've been thinking about getting away from the craziness of my job for weeks... no, months. So why don't I? Let me explain.
For those of you who are thinking, "there's too much, please sum up", here's that version:
Work is crazy busy. Several clients drive me more insane than I already am. I feel like I have an overly developed sense of loyalty and haven't made vacation plans because of it. Recent events outside of work have made me reconsider what I want to do with my life. And I want all 4 seasons again. I want something different. But don't get me wrong, I regret nothing and I've learned a ton about computer networking, management, and security.
Now I'll explain.
As I'm sure you read the above summary, you're probably wondering, "What the hell happened?!" My problem isn't completely the fault of my work, but I do put some of the blame there. It's mostly on me for not realizing the impact of a statement I was given when I was considering this job: "There will be opportunity for overtime." At first I thought, "Oooo... overtime would be nice. That means more money!" And I was partly right. I've come to discover that I actually really hate overtime. Overtime at work means less time for me and less me time means I start getting frustrated. So I've really made an effort to keep my schedule at 40 hours a week. I even turned down an even greater pay increase as it would have meant that I would be on constant call outside of normal work hours.
Then there's the clients. I'm sorry, I started that wrong. Most of our clients are actually pretty cool. One client in particular keeps me fairly busy while not being so demanding I have to request time to work on the weekend for them. But there are a couple clients that make me just want to scream. They actually make our whole team groan and question what we've gotten into. One particular client causes us red foreheads and endless wonder.
"Then take a break, Peter. Go on vacation." You're right, I should take a vacation. But I seem to have this overly developed sense of loyalty to the people I work for and with and for some reason, going on vacation is registering as abandoning them. I desperately need to get over this. I actually need a vacation. My sanity levels have reached such a point that I think they're affecting my physical health. It doesn't help that my supervisor is one of my best friends and my roommate either. I know he'd understand, but I also know his reaction to every time I've talked about taking a Monday off here and there. Worst of all, I think our situation has started putting a bad pressure on our relationship. I find myself avoiding him outside of work more often than I care to admit. When I first got here, things seemed like they were going to work out really well, but the honeymoon period is over and our core personalities are finally starting to grate on each other. ::sigh::
During a recent phone call with my mom, I vented several of these frustrations and I mentioned wanting to move back up to Spokane or in that area. Heck, I even thought about finding a place in Oregon when I was driving through during my move to So. Cal. To the surprise of many but not all, I actually miss having four distinct seasons. Here, there's like two seasons: summer and spring. Mom said, "You should start looking for new employment now even if it isn't until next spring that you'll start." And she's right. Part of my problem is that I really don't know what I want to do. I can't even figure out what I want to try next. Then after a test message from a friend stating I needed to check Facebook, I found an interesting quiz that another friend had posted their result of. The quiz was, "What career were you meant for?" She got engineer, which she seemed surprised about. So I decided to have a go at it. I was surprised (and not) that I got writer. In some ways, I could sense what was coming as I answered questions, but seeing the result still hit me harder than I anticipated. I immediately thought, "Then what the hell am I doing?! Why am I doing IT support?!" It inspired me to the point that later that night I couldn't sleep as I started thinking about the story I started 9 years ago. I had some ideas and I got up to write them down. I finally went to bed at 4:00 am.
I was inspired for that weekend and when work came around again on Monday and things got busy again, I lost my drive and went straight back to playing video games in the evenings. But the result of that quiz has stuck in my head and I'm constantly wondering if what I should be doing is writing. Perhaps not strictly science fiction or fantasy, but even tech things. I mean, look at all the writing I did here regarding SharePoint stuff! I know I'm a good tech guy! I know that computers and video games will always be part of my life! So why the Hell do I feel like technology is ruining my life after every long day at work?! Because when we go to a client after hours to perform a couple of simple upgrades that turns into 6 freaking hours of work and we don't get home until 4:30 am after just getting it to mostly work, it is ruining my life. I want to stay up until 4am because I was doing something I love, not something that drives me crazy.
At this point, all I know is I want something different. I miss the people and the environment in Spokane. Sure it sucks dealing with driving in snow and the like, but I actually miss the joys of finding my way to a warm spot where I can finally enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and listen to some music. Or snuggling into bed under a heavy blanket after a day of gratifying work. Or finding the energy to sit down and do something truly creative like write on my story that I really need to finish.
Thanks for reading my complaints. It isn't healthy to dwell on my negativity and so I also want you to know I don't regret taking this job one bit. I can't tell you how much I've learned about computer networking, management, and security in the year and half I've been here. The people I've met because I took this job are awesome, my boss and his family included. There are days, even weeks, where I've felt very productive and that I've made a difference and it's incredibly rewarding. It's an incredible feeling when a user says, "Thanks, you've made my day."
Writing this blog entry this morning has been really good for me. It's served partly to help me relieve and assess the stress I've been dealing with. The other part is that it has inspired a writing schedule. I will try to post more often and Saturday mornings seems to be the best moment. I guess I'll just have to make sure I don't stay up all night on Fridays...
Until next time:
Work smart. Play hard. Sleep well.
