/EXISTENCE
Today was a hard day for some reason. Clients that I'm normally super happy to work with triggered an unbridled rage within me to which I reigned in only barely by stopping and thinking about what I was doing. My heart was in such a bad place I asked if I could head home early. On my way home I stopped by In-n-Out to get a burger and a chocolate shake. The sugar high did improve my mood, but only temporarily. Surely playing video games with friends online would help, but alas competitive co-op only made me feel useless when my score was less than half of friend and the lowest of the three of us. My heart was sinking and I felt the tailspin of an emotional vortex starting. In a moment of clarity, I decided to drop out of the second round through the game's rather short story in favor of taking it easy the remainder of the evening. I even thought about going and building something in Minecraft, but it didn't feel quite right. In a second moment of clarity, I finally followed the reminder I had setup to do some writing.
But I didn't have to write anything of any use if I didn't feel like it. In fact I didn't initially. I started with some free writing based on what was rattling around in my head. I even tried something a bit new and took off my glasses so I had to write everything by feel. My typing ended up being quite accurate and I was left with a clearer mind. No longer did the words and feelings have to rattle around internally. Now they were recorded in a file saved to my documents. As I let the emotions flow the words came with them, helping create a new description and image for my feelings. Music and audio have always been super important in my life and so I described my state as being in a state of dissonance with life. I don't know if I changed, or what's really different, but I've noticed that slowly I no longer feel a harmony with my work. But I'm not sure it's all IT work. I think it's just this style of IT support.
My sister got me thinking as well about what I really want out of where I live and I realized that where I currently live is actually pretty damn nice. I'm within walking distance of a major shopping center and things in general are pretty chill on the roads. Overall, it's not where I live that's out of sync with me. It's where I work. And it's hard because I am pretty good at what I do. But I hate having to go into LA or even north Orange County because traffic sucks and I just don't like the vibe I get. Everything is too... intense. I hate to think what kind of stress I'd have over in New York City.
So that's my goal at this point: to find harmony and bring a good rhythm back to my life.
Until next time:
Work smart. Play hard. Sleep well.
Today was a hard day for some reason. Clients that I'm normally super happy to work with triggered an unbridled rage within me to which I reigned in only barely by stopping and thinking about what I was doing. My heart was in such a bad place I asked if I could head home early. On my way home I stopped by In-n-Out to get a burger and a chocolate shake. The sugar high did improve my mood, but only temporarily. Surely playing video games with friends online would help, but alas competitive co-op only made me feel useless when my score was less than half of friend and the lowest of the three of us. My heart was sinking and I felt the tailspin of an emotional vortex starting. In a moment of clarity, I decided to drop out of the second round through the game's rather short story in favor of taking it easy the remainder of the evening. I even thought about going and building something in Minecraft, but it didn't feel quite right. In a second moment of clarity, I finally followed the reminder I had setup to do some writing.
But I didn't have to write anything of any use if I didn't feel like it. In fact I didn't initially. I started with some free writing based on what was rattling around in my head. I even tried something a bit new and took off my glasses so I had to write everything by feel. My typing ended up being quite accurate and I was left with a clearer mind. No longer did the words and feelings have to rattle around internally. Now they were recorded in a file saved to my documents. As I let the emotions flow the words came with them, helping create a new description and image for my feelings. Music and audio have always been super important in my life and so I described my state as being in a state of dissonance with life. I don't know if I changed, or what's really different, but I've noticed that slowly I no longer feel a harmony with my work. But I'm not sure it's all IT work. I think it's just this style of IT support.
My sister got me thinking as well about what I really want out of where I live and I realized that where I currently live is actually pretty damn nice. I'm within walking distance of a major shopping center and things in general are pretty chill on the roads. Overall, it's not where I live that's out of sync with me. It's where I work. And it's hard because I am pretty good at what I do. But I hate having to go into LA or even north Orange County because traffic sucks and I just don't like the vibe I get. Everything is too... intense. I hate to think what kind of stress I'd have over in New York City.
So that's my goal at this point: to find harmony and bring a good rhythm back to my life.
Until next time:
Work smart. Play hard. Sleep well.
